We only can be happy if we are authentic and truthful to who we are. Over the last 5- 6 years since I am writing in this blog, I shared many pages of my life through words, sometimes in poetry, or an essay. Sometimes an ART work, from this day on, I begin a new ay of relating to my feelings, observation and how I reflect back and share with other fellow traveler on the path of self discovery.
I changed the name to Diary of a Mystic, perhaps in many ways mystics and Sufism had played a great deal in my soul journey. My poetry is inspired by Eastern Mystics like Osho and Great Sufis like Rumi and EnayatKhan.
This is a new beginning at so many levels, writing from soul and moving toward freedom with every choice we make on daily basis seems easy, but, in physical reality, everything is slow and requires time to manifest. So, let hope this diary from today’s on, will be a transparent and vibrational meeting place for whoever wish to know the way of mystics.
The first entry is dated about 5-6 months ago, I chose to publish it today, so it gives some idea of how the landscapes of journey will transform an nourish our beings.
April 2015, Brighton – Moments of aloneness
All through my life, I had countless moments of aloneness, some came heavy with feeling of despair, loneliness and loss, on others, I found a gift, a place of freedom and detachment, witnessing how my body, mind and soul comes together in one space, while no one is really around me. Over the last 6-7 years of life, from one extreme of being out there, in the world, make money, have a social calendar and chase after boys J, I am moved into a very deep solitude and timeless space which constantly shifting from movements to stillness and time for reflections and again events like waves rise from ocean of stillness and somehow, there is Serena and her little boat or even a big one, who knows, she I just on a voyage, travelling into deeper water of her own being. Since I am back to UK, staying in this peaceful haven of Buddha, sharing my life in a community that I am quiet new to it, I have learnt great deals and seems the school life is still committed in my soul developments.
I am still walking alone, perhaps deeper than ever, I tried to make friends which was always easy for my social personality over the years, but somehow after 4-5 months, it seems sitting in coffee shop and focusing on my purpose, writing and sharing on web, is the way things are. I miss humans, even it is about 30 people resident in the Buddhist center and a lot of conversations go on in kitchen and once in a while some new guys arrive for a few weeks whom could become a challenge for some, a mirror for others, an revolutionary experience for me, apart from all comes and goes and short and long conversations, my heart is alone, I believe at one stage, things will shift and it is very close for me to stand in public and truly open up to what has been playing my heart in private so masterfully and lovingly and I let it dance, sing, inspire and share… and only Divine and few of us on earth, truly knows how hard the path of mastery is. It doesn’t give you a moment rest in autopilot, it burns you, melt you and reshape you to serve the good of all and eventually you give up questions, useless attempt to make things happen the way you want, you stop planning or even you are going down with head, you stop grasping the air in hope you catch someone’s hand. There is no one in my dream, there is no other in yours either. This aloneness is home, a cocoon that you always go back to integrate and allow happening, not just external one, but mainly the internal ones.
We all Masters, we all came to Earth, to discover and cultivate our Mastery, however our timing is different, some already flowered, and some not even planted in the soil. I only could speak of my own experiences so far, and that is what most mystic can offer. A bag full of no logical experiments and experiences and a width spectrum of aloneness that is the most intimate part of your being and like layers of onion unfolds your true nature, so in time, pain, sorrow and despair transforms to your inner treasures and the unmeasured and unsaid wisdom that gives the ability to see beyond time and happening. Am I a Master?! I am no longer a woman with desires and do lists, I am no longer seeking or trying to become anything… My song is getting slower, more loving toward everything and everyone and what is more new and strange is the comfort and easiness that I feel with myself, sitting doing no-thing, or spend the whole day ,concentrating on my new website design, or just go to Brighton pier and watch hours and hours how waves moving to shore, dance of seagulls, and feel the force of wind on my back and this body that is constantly transforming and reshaping, feels powerless in front of such a strong wind, even to hold on her breath.
So I slowdown to be more grateful and mindful of all happening. Witness this magic that every second unfolds in me and through my life, I share it where I can, because my heart still beats and sings, love songs, perhaps my words carry less smoke, less of what used to be my personality, but for sure, what is here, in this body is more passionate and fiery than ever about her purpose, more determine to be truthful and transparent.
Coast to coast, we move into unknown water of life, embracing change and loss, fall in love with who you are and where you stand, truth of existence is simple and graceful, accept your humanness and be soul.