Today, we sit on Varanda together with a coffee and timeless morning. I want to listen, to soft waves of your breath touching my existence. I want to let go and be in this moment, free of everything that connects me to earth of my feelings. Today, I am no human, no giver or receiver.
I am in presence of sacred, in you, in me, in all there is.
I know I am falling in a deeper love, hopelessly in love. I used to see an object for this love, now, I know better, loving has no beginning or destination, it is allowing, surrendering to present, where sacred happens over and over, always different, always new and unpredictable.
I do not even try to put words into this experience, because it is not possible to describe the mystery. I just listen to waves and follow the song, into forests, along the sandy beaches, in dark caves, between lover’s arms, into aloneness. It is usually aloneness which offers the phenomenon and undescribed moments of life.
When it rains, in rains on everyone, does not make any choices. I want to become a drop, a sameness of life, a surrendering, an act of not doing but holding space for all happening.
How my life would shape if I stop making choices and observe…a woman wakes up, yawn and go to bathroom, then to kitchen, coffee is brewing. She comes and sits on Balcony and begins writing on keyboards. No more choices, in what I say or what says me?
I want more of love, more of nakedness, more dancing in the rain, barefoot and free. I want space expands in my heart, let it break my human bones, let it break all ideas of how my life should look like, let whoever wants to go, leave peacefully and let break all walls and let light in, let more of love comes in, embrace and make love…
What do I have to be afraid of to lose? What really have lost was not mine to begin with. My heart broke and cried years of losing my high school friends when we shared so much in youth and life seemed more honest between us. I lost them to ignorance while my own personal believes and pillars fell down and I questioned every choices I had made, how true they were? How true I was to who I am?
I slept in bed of roses and woke up in nightmare of desert, I lost, I sacrificed, I died and died over and over. It was ego dying, it was untrue dying, but I could not see the truth, veils covered my eyes and walls were still held me in prison on separation.
My journey is not just mine, right now, you are having the same journey into your own heart, every stage of the journey, when there is a challenge, we actually moving through another layer of veil and surrender deeper to our higher self, our true self.
Today, I am sitting in my body on balcony of this apartment which I call it my residence after 9 years living in other spaces, with strangers, family, people whom are no longer in my life. Some, I loved dearly and left. Some, played their role and vanished.
I do not need to think about death, to understand the value of life. There were two big challenges in my life, one named independency! Which I lost when the mystical side of my life took over and others became provider for my every need and my ego hated to lose that control and my soul tortured witnessing how easy the people you love and trust, come back to judge and condemn your truth. But, in time, I saw the bigger picture of this challenge and learning. It was not about making living or responsibility. Divine light always guide us toward our higher self, living from that truth. The fearless part of us, the true power lies in higher- self authority and not earthy master, ego. Today, I make my choices by listening deeply to inner voice, and if outside walls are falling, I maintain patience and space to stay unattached until inner voice moves me in a right direction. I faced living in street, being hungry for days, not having any contact with people for months to practice this one lesson, let go of any control over my own life, I still do it daily. The moment a fearful thoughts arrive, I know, I need to step back and listen deeper and wait for full alignment before I take action.
The other challenge was falling in love with a man whom I only met twice briefly and changed the course of my life forever. The fire and burning beyond my understanding too over and for years, I chased ways to re -connect and return to love of my life, as he was in every sense my own reflection. What I felt and still do, burnt all ideas of soulmates and twinflames! It was beyond normal meeting a boy and a girl, relationships and so on.. It was a pure hot lava on my heart and all my ego attempts to be united with him. I did not know what to do. My entire being was in longing, yearning, pain beyond understanding, I lost myself in the process and it was a transformative process. It was death of all attachments, senses of belonging, desires, lust and physical hunger. It took 6-7 years truly to completely let go and be able to understand what really took place.
Today, I live in love, the space includes everything and everyone, I might make my own choosing in how deeply I interact with individual people, but the roots of that preference is not separation, control or wanting things.. it comes from seeing energy, feeling alignment in the way spirit unfolds through us. Today, love is who I am. To cultivate that, I dance between my heart and all that rise in the mirror of the world.
Recently, after a cycle of events, I came to realize that surrendering is the key to unlock any coding of my soul blue print and be aware to recognize the signs and symbols and let go of all control and tries to make things happen, but accept what rise and offered gratefully.
I write without reading my words again, I publish without editing… I like this raw energy in my heart, I know it will be different tomorrow, or the next moment and I want this choice. To choose not choosing anything, anyone. Without my story, who am I?