Morning light arrives and touches my face gently. I open my eyes and still in bed, letting the rush of thoughts and mind plans fall into silence. I breathe deeper into the moment and hear a soft music inside. That is my soul telling me, all is perfect, wake up!
I wake up renewed every morning, in observant mode. Today, just before I leave the bed, I felt I am enveloped in love, for first time perhaps even I felt love of my body for me, for this lifetime abuser of her beauty and softness. Today, I want to tell a tale, not a fairy one, a harsh hard to take one. I do not know when I realized I am a fat girl in childhood, I guess the first kick came from a stranger in a street, saying something rude and my mother reacted strongly, it was about me and my choppy legs, I was about 4-5 years old. Body image has been hunting me since. I grow up fat, I grow up also talented and kind and generous and loving, but all I remember was a constant advice, control, argument of what I eat, how I eat. I started dieting from 10 years old after a long illness and side effects of pills, I suddenly became on obese. I brought weight down quick, when you are young, doing seems easier.
But still I was fat! It continues with yo yu diets, losing, gaining and being compare with my cousin who was far more successful in getting into shape and be more desirable in the family and society I Grow up in.
I cried most nights, no one really cared about my feelings, and I was so disconnected with my body and angry and hurt. I think part of the extra weight was my protection to stay sane in a dysfunctional home with dysfunctional parents. Food was my way of surviving.
Carrying extra weight continued till late twenties when having relationship with boys/men became important. I always felt very insecure with my body image but my way was not showing any sense of feminine. I became a tom boy, neutral to boys, sex even with a circle of boy-friends, I had no sexual contact with any man. When I moved to USA, suddenly everything changed. I lost a great deal of weight and felt more positive about my body and then men began arriving, the first sexual encounter was more of a assault and rape and kept silent. Who would have believed me? He was someone I knew, I was alone in a new place, working my ass off to survive, no one ever before that Called me beautiful. My mother was using every horrible word in vocabulary to make sure there is no self- respect, no sense of value exists in me. And there I was, used and thrown away like a piece of garbage and I had no one to go to.
The things we bring to ourselves, in such a destructive ways!
I lost more weight by early thirties and the mirror was showings a swan. Suddenly I was so desirable and men were chasing me everywhere I went. I still was very insecure physically, I needed to go to gym 6 times a week to make sure there is no fat on my body. I weight myself everyday. I was wearing size 6- 8 UK and still thinking I am fat.
I never felt or heard my body, it is a constant demand of mind, controlling everything in my life. So after all the exercises and diets and watching every spoon I put in, I was still unhappy, insecure and no sense of self-respect.
It is a long story as today, I woke up and weight myself and I am heavier than I ever been and I can give myself a list of reasons and blame, my thyroid or low metabolism, I can make excuses saying I am so light in soul that my body is my grounding. True or false it does not change my physical reality unless I really want to change my way of thinking around food, and around this self destructive anger I have been carrying since childhood, to either hide from y body or destroy my body.
Today when I woke up, I know this is the moment, I have to face the one thing I refused all of my life, receiving love of my body. Emotions are rising with each word I share, it is not painful as I expected. It is sad and full of grieves. It is beyond thinking healthy or looking good. It is about the longest relationship of my life, with my physical body and how I unconsciously and consciously neglect my own being and replaced food as a source of satisfaction and eating as a way of numbing my senses.
I am writing this and will publish it on my blog, because it is time to share my life story, stage by stage, chapter by chapter, so I remember and know there is no one to blame anymore. I am creating my own reality and as light and joyful my soul feels, my body should also be included and celebrated and carrying fat and old wounds no longer serve me or this planet. And I am not jumping on a treadmill and do 100 sit ups everyday and cut all the fat and carbs because I had this realization. No, I’ve done that before and that does not heal what needs healing in me.
I am going to sit the entire March listening to my every feeling, I am going to listen to my body, moment by moment. I stop forcing, judging, demanding, controlling, being victim. I stop it all together.
I listen and follow the flow of my inner senses. I have been doing it in major parts of my life, but with my body, I kept it distant. I used sex as a way of connecting with my body and part from that, I never wanted her, never appreciated her, she serves me unconditional, my foot dances beyond your believe carrying the heaviness like nothing and I never thanked them. The funny thing is, people always thought I am very confident physically! How can you tell them, I do not feel my body? I do not want to.
This has been merging for sometime now, and healing my body image and relation with it, it is part of my personal growth, but until today, I never felt the love coming from inside, it was so intimate and moving that I had no choice but writing my feelings and also observing how this shift will influence many other aspects of my life. We only waiting for ourselves. Not a new job, new relationships, not a new city.
I no longer want to wait for anything outside myself. I am it all. Sinking in it, dissolving in it.
I am falling in love with me, no more veil, no more lie, no more others.
I am holding the space which a breath rise, this is my sacred space, my home, my belonging. My totality.
Awakening is the path, My sole road on earth. I am walking with all of me, into light, into truth.