Another powerful new moon! It is 5 am in Cyprus and I woke up around 3.45 knowing the energy shift will not going to let me go back to sleep.
We all moving fast between paradigms and the last few weeks/month has been a fast track of release and move into Divine perception (Love) than holding on any personal story of happenings.
In my own little world, I have been withdrawing more than ever to stay by myself and listen to piano player. As soon as I get so close to recognize what notes he play next, something new begins and it is not always pleasant and comforting. I have been so out of everything I know and far deeper in not knowing.
The last 24 hours I have been struggling with the greatest fear of my human side. Surviving! This fear has such root in human psyche and I feel over the last 9 years, it is the 4th time, I am facing with it eye to eye.
It was so strong that in less than few hours, the solution was manifested and my human side grasp it with not much hesitation. My body was breathless, horrified by level of thoughts of what will happen to me by end of April. As my financial resources are so low and I am facing myself for not be able to provide my living, rent and so on…
I was shivering and this repeated situation over the last 10 years, since I decided to give life to my true self and follow my inner guidance kept happening. Fear of surviving also quickly materialized in an offer from people, friends for immediate recovery and being saved. But it is an illusion of the world of fear and anxiety of my personal life and all those choices resulted in a catastrophe outcomes, because they were made by my ego than my soul. Anytime over the last few years, I chose to survive base of human logic and followed the path of negotiation, compromise and let this pass and then you go back to your soul path, I faced such a struggle and felt part of my soul is cut off and I am selling my being short in exchange for piece of bread. Of course it is all my own perception, mirroring over and over to teach me something.
Yesterday, as soon as the fear got to a level that I felt crippled and barely could think, breathe or even meditate to calm myself, a friend called me with a job offer! Less than 10 minutes I called her back and accepted the offer which was completely out of alignment with my energy and spiritual work and path and the money barely match to pay my rent.
Tonight I went to sleep and I had a dream. Not sure the exact details, but while I was dreaming, I could see I am in two different dreams, both running at the same time, parallel dreams. I woke up with knowing this is another layer of my fear of living my totality and surrender to what feels right within me that what outer reality showing. As I am writing this email, I have no idea what will happen in April to provide me another source of income to keep my roof and have food, but I know, I have no choice but to let go of this job offer and whatever my mind tell me to force me to go back to old paradigm of surviving, selling part of my totality. We create, we create so fast and so amazingly. Yesterday I eve manifested the solution for what my mind consider fearful situation and in the moment, I accessed all sort of positive thoughts to make that the right choice considering no other alternative has manifested yet. But then this morning, I sat in bed and asked myself, if this choice brings more freedom in my heart and soul. Is it align with who I am? If I take out the factor of surviving and loss of my physical shelter would I ever apply for this position, isn’t it something similar to what I chose 25 years ago to survive again? Am I going back? Am I cycling back or recycling the fear?
I am writing my feelings as they rise now, I know the answer, I know what I should say to my friend, but again this inner dialogue of ego happens over and over advising me to take it at least for A MONTH!!!
When you travel on earth, the way I did and still do. When you really walk your talk, you face deep aloneness, fears, doubt, a lot of selling yourself short until you wake up completely to true Self and then even fear and struggle happens, you still go back to your heart and over time stigma gets stronger.
Walking with faith is the path of mystics as there is nowhere to hide from myself and no logic could lead my heart to her purpose.
Knowing that I do not know, Knowing this month will bring something align with my heart so I can continue deeper in totality than really going the opposite direction and choose base on my surviving mechanism. Many people will not understand my choices. I lost many good friends and family members over this. I wish it was easier for myself and others. But today, I made it easy at least for myself. Easy to be me, easy to believe if I can manifest a solution to my fear than fast, Ho fast I can manifest the desires of my heart. And if I am not doing it fast, what keeps me away?
I guess, it is always fear and doubt, always dark night of soul, before a glorious dawn. I am taking a deep breath and move closer to heart of universe and asking for another solution. A closer manifestation to my current energy, Yesterday had it’s vibration manifestation and now I am washed with full moon power and peace drops are landing on fragile skin of my humanity.
My heart is calming. All is in my head and when we do not run away from our feelings, but we listen to whatever they say, we see all are minds game and yes I still need to create or attract a way to stabilize my financial flow. But that has to happen align with my heart and soul work and brings joy and empowerment and if that does not support my soul evolution, then I have to pass. In another time, I might choose a job to pay my bills and have no problem in accepting it, but today is not that day. Today only shows where I have no released my limiting beliefs and have been betraying myself over and over. Today, I rise beyond my fears and ask universe to respond my current vibration. My life is about liberation for myself and whoever I touch their lives by living truthful to who I Am.