The last few months, I let go so much and surrender my control every moment to allow the feminine part of my being speaks, lead and be. Some friends told me I am living on a edge and YES, it is a razor edge of truth and I have no idea where it is taking me. I am blissful at the same time physically exhausted and mentally confused of how this path brought me here.
But I am here, in this unknown territory of heart and so far the love and generosity of friends have kept me safe and nurtured.
I had the opportunity the last few days after days of not sleeping, have enough sleep and spend time alone and listen deeply to what sings in my heart.
I still know, whatever this long test of learning has been tailored for, it will be my openness and receptivity which will manifest the next stage of my journey. Today, even though I smiled and took photos of my walk on this beautiful little sea town, my heart was aching and heavy.
I asked myself, haven’t you done with pain, fear and try?!!! How long more you want to carry the cross of unworthiness? Listen and listen deeper to all unloved parts of yourself…and as I listened deeper, ache got deeper and tears arrived and I felt helpless and alone. I felt I am not capable to take one more step into this unknown darkness of future… I cried more, until ease arrived in heart, until I read a friends words reminding me, it is all a dream and I do not need to feel always brave, strong and positive.
I can let it happen, fear, anger,aloneness…and I did..most of afternoon, I sat with a dagger in my heart not knowing what to do, why my life is in such a state that no doing can save it, transform or transcend it? What is blocking my receiving or vision, what is the truth?
I do not have an answer, at least not tonight.. maybe no answer is required. Perhaps all I needed today was to cry and held myself in accepting my imperfect moment and open up to more of divine perfect love and acceptance.
I am grateful, perhaps with a hint of sadness and tiredness (mentally) as my default nature of masculine no longer can lead my life. And inside the darkness of void, only patience and faith of feminine, raising energy of serpent inside my body can attract and manifest what I need and want as a next level in my life.
I am asking for union of hearts, for humanity to come together naked of all judgments and separation, to hold each other in pure love and grace and ask in one voice for peace, prosperity, well being and a world free of lacks, violence, and prejudice.
I walked alone most of my life, but today It was one of hardest days of this aloneness. So, I dived so deep to find something to calm my heart and being… and only now, I realise that is what I can offer and wish for all, we are in this together. None of these make sense unless it includes and unites us as one. This is my courage, faith and devotion to the path of truth. To be and live from heart, to be and choose love.