I used to seek love all over the map of earth. I was a beautiful and insecure girl looking to be loved and accepted and felt never satisfied. I dated a lot of men between age of 30- 41, I tried short and long term relationships, it was at the edge of 40 that I realize none of these encounters will bring me happiness unless I get to know who I AM, I never going to know what I WANT. No one could get fit into my dream, it was always something wrong. They were too short, too tall, too slim, too grumpy, to shy, I never looked at my partners as a mirror, showing and reflecting back, the truth of my life and how small I see myself and project it in them. I began my true heart journey at the edge of 41 with myself.
Now at the edge of 50, I have been dating this amazing woman for almost 10 years now, and I fell in love deeper and deeper with all aspects of her.
I love her courage, her eyes for beauty and mystery of life. I love to listen to her prayers, poetry reading, when she whispers into heart of creation. Feel her soft skin, when I rub a coconut cream after her morning shower. I brush her hair every morning and smile into her eyes, trusting her amazing heart and faith. I love the way she looks into life, surrendering and always find a new things to learn and share.
I have been flying solo for the last 7-8 years of my life and it really took me that long to become truly intimate with my light and shadow, to feel who I am and accept myself unconditional. I had a brief encounter with a man recently whom in our sharing, tremendous sexual and sensual energy got unleashed and it felt feminine energy of Divine self-opened up like a volcano through my body.
As I am going through this raw and wild force on my own (as the encounter shortly burnt out and served its purpose), I am seeing myself in a new light. The freedom of feeling and not being define by it. Allowing my human desires speak and take time to witness the merging if my body and soul and coming in alignment with heart center. For years, I was fearful of the power of my sexual nature and either ran from it or give in to it without taking responsibility for my general well-being.
They are so many changes and movement in my current circumstances which if you have followed my blog, you can see, the earth beneath my feet no longer exist as such. As well as walls, security or control.
I have come to value not knowing part of life, accepting and choosing the simplicity that every day brings. My life still is very much in solitude and final reshaping of Divine Self.
I came to discover and rediscover my attitudes, my human habits, and my stories big or small. Some part of me needed to change or in a better say, become mature, some other parts needed patience and trust. I finally came to myself authentic and free and very much in love.
Even when my physical existence seems vulnerable as of yesterday I have no money to buy food and the place I live in has been a gift for couple of weeks from a dear friend. I had a brief moments of anxiety over the last few days also a heart ache of the ending of my recent connection, but all the contrasts are invitation to be fully aware and live in moments Choose in alignment with the source and stay present, still and open to experience. until I feel that is love moving me forward, I take no action.
In the past, my fear and attachments made me to ask for help from readers, friends and family, today, I am totally accept life as it is and whatever comes is love, even it appears as poverty, there is always a blessing in disguised. I am surrender.
Every day, I open my eyes into wonder of Divine love, sit in more awe and gratitude for my life. I am glad that I freed myself from my mind and trust my every breath as the breath of love and abundance and joy.
I am truly committed to live my truth, step by step and celebrate the gift of being I AM, and receive life with openness and appreciation.