I wrote this last year in May, while I was in Istanbul. Reading it today, reflect the depth of change within and yet seems outer always is the effect of this melting in God.
Every Human on Earth at least once asked herself who am I, what I am here for. Usually in adolescent we arrive to experience the crossroads between personality, upbringing, culture, soul and God.
For some it might be just a moment of inquiry which is so frightening that never visit that inner place and for some like me, it become every moment of everyday, walking with God and then one day arrives to realization that I alone am walking, God is here, I never was.
And yet there is a dance in exquisite moments, like a note after another, to experience as well be the observant and a huge laugh as there is no knower, observer or a person.
Sometimes, it feels nothing is left to be expressed and then something rise spontaneously and the body moves, the fingers type, the heart sings. Might be the birth of a poem, or a purposeful encounter, might be just sitting on a chair and stare into empty space, hear the piano, or the birds, or gaze into dancing trees and wait for divine inspiration.
I never know how my days are shaped. It has been few years, making home in present and trusting heart choices. I lived a very different life than a normal middle eastern girl born in West, Raised in a Muslim Country and have had revolutionary relation with existence, the meaning of life, Creation and Humanity. I remember, I questioned everything since 8,9 years old. It was a fire in my heart to understand what God, why I am so different with my peers, sister, cousins. Nothing was easy, my questions were deep, far beyond my earthy age. My father used to call me a little philosopher.
my only refuge was to write in my daily diary, poetry and creating stories of how future will feel like for me when I grow older to leave Iran and all the restriction imposed on my human and soul being.
The story of my walkabout with God is a long and intimate one. I truly chose a less travelled path, a dangerous one in eyes of my family and friends. When one really wants the Truth, there is neither a middle ground nor a half way awakening. Many people come to the edge of flight, to fall into freedom and step back, return to what consider comfortable life, with interior and exterior, they choose going to church on Sundays, or follow the Muslim way, bend few times of a day, speak in Arabic and call it pray, and if you are a woman, even alone in the room, must cover yourself… I asked many questions and it was no satisfying answer. Because it wasn’t my head that wanted to know, it was my heart hungry for something that I could not name, I just knew the normal way will get me nowhere. it will be a chase of my tail, it would be a well-dressed expression of the creator expert from a holy book, with many reference pages all marked to a church, or a masque, or a spiritual guru somewhere on Earth.
I wanted to know the truth of God, the truth of me being here. And I had my own kind of mystical experiences which was very frightening for a teenager to believe or even share. But I knew, I have no choice, this life is not about what I want, my culture wants, my country and family wants. It is about love, it is about this fire in my heart, like I am missing someone, something. I just cannot remember who is it?
That is how my walk began, into God, and I was only 9 years old, when I recognize this is stronger than anything else in my small world, this ache that is burning inside my heart, this thirst and longing is not going to stop or disappear or be numbed. I have no choice to follow this through.
Today is 31st May and I moved to this new apartment in a quiet neighborhood in Istanbul an the moment, I walked into this place, I knew it is time to write the book, the love affair with God, step by step, chapter by chapter, with all the adventure, darkness, pain, denial, betrayal, fantasies. The many stages of my soul to not just wake up, as I feel, I was always awake, just could not remember!
I have been sharing from space of transparency and living in present for over a decade on wordpress blog. Mainly poetry, general writing, but since 2017, everything has been centering into the pilgrimage of heart momentary sharing, walking the truth. Disappearing in God more and more.
They are times I find it challenging to verbalize the experience, I chose silence over the last year, almost at all times. I sense the time of creation has arrived, and until recently was not sure how this has to birth, I am still not sure J, but following the high notes of my heart. And it always bring me back to writing, I trust my human walk and diversional experiences over the years could be beneficial mirror for seekers of truth, to read, connect and have deeper self- inquiry to know their own nature and Be.
In a meanwhile, I share poetry as I found it the best simple way to be here, to disappear in fragrance of God.
Thank you for reading my blog, for listening to your own heart. May truth be our eternal home.
God came to Earth,
planted countless sunflowers
across a field, between East and West.
Sun opened his arms width,
As the grace flow into fertile seeds.
Sunflowers field bloomed overnight,
Woke up effortless
To sound of morning steps of light.
A child with a butterfly wings jumped over
Above the world, beyond light and dark,
day and night.
Left a sublime path, full of shinny stars,
Heading to sky.
Words written by God;
I am made whole by life that you are.
Completed by each breath of your soul.
Completes, I Alone Am God.
Serena Devi 31st May.